I Need To Explain My Absence

It's been a difficult few weeks but I'm starting to get back to normal.

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It’s been a few weeks since I last posted here on Substack—my longest gap since I started writing here two and a half years ago.

The thing is, I just couldn’t write. The urge was gone. The feeling of wanting to get something down and out there into the world. The joy of connecting with you all and interacting with your comments.

It had all disappeared.

Two weeks ago, after eating dinner as usual in the early evening, I suddenly felt like I was getting ill. It started with an immense wave of fatigue, a slight headache, and an overwhelming need to go to bed—immediately. The onset was shockingly fast.

But going to bed didn’t help. My heart rate was at 80 bpm while lying down. How do I know this? Well, as you may know, I’m a total stats geek, and my new Whoop fitness tracker is incredible at monitoring how I’m doing physically. I’d been using it to track my fitness as I worked towards a 5km PB attempt in early January. Each week, the stats showed I was getting stronger, fitter, and ready. Now, they were flashing red—my heart was working seriously hard.

To go from feeling fine all day to lying in bed with a resting heart rate of 80 bpm was alarming. I thought sleep would help. It always does. By maximizing sleep, I’ve been able to shake off stress, strain, or minor illnesses within a day or so.

Not this time.

I simply couldn’t sleep. With such a high heart rate, it was almost impossible. I found myself counting down the hours until morning, just wanting daylight, fresh air, or even a short walk to shake this thing off.

But the morning came, and I was worse. It became clear this wasn’t a typical cold. For five days, I remained in this pattern, with the sixth day showing slight improvement. Then, on the seventh day, I was back downhill. By days eight and nine, I finally felt like I had beaten the virus, but that’s when it hit me.

The dread. The inability to see anything positive. Everything felt dark and pointless. Nothing mattered anymore.

It’s now been just over two weeks since I became ill, and I’m starting to see things a little clearer. Still, it’s a struggle to focus on the positives in life. I’m getting there, but I know it’s going to take time.

Exercise has been a lifeline. I’ve eased back into running these past few days, which has always been my mental health outlet. Reading has also provided some much-needed escapism. I’ve even returned to cold showers, which are incredible for resetting the mind.

If I’m honest, post-viral depression was completely alien to me before this. It’s tied to the body’s immune response, the physical recovery process, and the psychological impact of illness. As the body fights the virus, it can trigger inflammation, which may affect brain function and mood regulation.

It’s great to be back here, sharing with you again. I’m off now to plan out some ideas to get my creative juices flowing for the new year.

See you in 2025.

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Martin