So You Think You're Protecting Your Child Online? Read This First (Then Check Their Messages)
It hit us out of nowhere. That sinking feeling, the realisation that we'd missed something big. We thought we had everything under control—no phones upstairs, no unsupervised screen time. And yet....
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It hit us out of nowhere. That sinking feeling, the realisation that we'd missed something big.
We thought we had everything under control—no phones upstairs, no unsupervised screen time. And yet, here we were, blindsided by what we found. Not with Roblox, as we had expected, but with something far bigger: the creeping, almost invisible way technology is pulling kids into an addictive loop—right under our noses.
Alice, our 11-year-old daughter, isn’t allowed to take her iPad or phone upstairs. We thought we had that part under control. But we didn’t think twice about her school laptop—a device we assumed was safe, since it was for learning. Surely, if she was taking it upstairs, she was just trying to find a quiet place to do homework.
Well, she wasn’t.
When we checked her WhatsApp messages—a condition we had set for allowing her to use the app—we noticed something strange: she was sending messages while her phone was downstairs. That’s when we realized her school laptop had become the gateway to an online world we couldn’t monitor. A quick look at her search history confirmed it: YouTube, TikTok, and WhatsApp were all being used upstairs.
We were shocked. And, if I’m honest, a little disappointed. There was that knot-in-the-stomach moment of realizing we hadn’t been as in control of things as we thought. Had we been too trusting? Too naive? The frustration wasn’t just with Alice—it was with ourselves. We’d assumed we had put the right safeguards in place, but clearly, the pull of these platforms was stronger than any rule we had set. It wasn’t just that she had gone behind our backs—it was that she never stood a chance against the apps designed to keep her hooked.
An Unwinnable Battle for an 11-Year-Old Brain
Alice isn’t a “bad” kid. She’s not rebellious. But she’s also just 11 years old. And what 11-year-old is capable of resisting the dopamine-fuelled infinite scroll of YouTube Shorts, TikTok, and Snapchat?
These platforms are not neutral. They are designed to hijack the brain—to reward endless scrolling, to trigger FOMO, to make quitting feel like punishment. The more time kids spend on them, the harder it is to walk away. And this isn’t just an opinion; research confirms that social media addiction is linked to anxiety, depression, and sleep disruption—especially for kids and teens whose brains are still developing.
Snapchat, which Alice has been pushing us to allow, is one of the worst offenders. Studies have shown that it contributes to:
Body image issues through filters that create unrealistic beauty standards.
Increased anxiety due to streaks and pressure to post constantly.
Cyberbullying and secrecy, with disappearing messages making it harder for parents to step in.
Disrupted sleep from late-night notifications and compulsive checking.
For these reasons, we’re not allowing Snapchat. Not because we want to be “strict,” but because it’s common sense. Why should we let her develop a habit where she constantly feels the need to post, filter, and curate her life, before she even fully understands herself?
Parenting with Technology Is Really Hard!
Alice insists all her friends have these apps. And the truth is, she’s probably right.
The hardest part of parenting in the digital age isn’t just managing our own kids—it’s that many parents don’t fully realize what these platforms are doing to children’s brains.
And it’s not just the kids. Adults are struggling with the same addiction. How often do we see people—young and old—walking through town, heads down, lost in their phones? The tech companies behind these platforms have spent years refining the algorithms to capture and hold our attention, and the result is a society that’s more connected online but increasingly disconnected from real life.
Many parents are simply demonstrating the same behaviour they wish their children would avoid—checking their phones first thing in the morning, scrolling endlessly in spare moments, feeling the pull of notifications. If we want our kids to develop healthier relationships with technology, we have to model that ourselves.
And Now, The Sleepover Dilemma
Tonight, Alice is off to a sleepover with friends—and they’re all bringing their school laptops.
As she packed up her things, we hesitated. Should we remind her of the rules again? Should we trust that she’d follow them? We could see the excitement in her eyes—this was a big deal for her, staying up late with her friends, feeling just a little bit older. But I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling: What exactly would they be doing on those laptops once the lights were out?
I wanted to believe she’d make the right choices, but deep down, I knew that peer pressure and the allure of unrestricted internet access might prove too strong. So, in the end, we said it plainly: 'Alice, remember what we talked about. No sneaking onto apps. No WhatsApp messages late at night. If we find out you’ve broken the rules, there will be consequences.' She nodded, but I could see the tension. Was she agreeing because she understood—or just because she wanted to get out the door?
This raises a new challenge for us as parents: how do we enforce boundaries when she’s outside of our home?
Do we trust her to follow the same rules we have at home, knowing that peer pressure might make it harder?
Do we ask the other parents about their expectations, or would that come across as overbearing?
Do we let her take the laptop but set clear guidelines, reminding her that we’ll check her usage when she returns?
Or do we say no altogether, knowing that the temptation to stray beyond schoolwork will be too strong?
These are the moments where parenting feels like navigating a minefield. We don’t want to isolate her or make her feel like the odd one out. But we also don’t want to turn a blind eye and assume everything will be fine.
The No-Smartphone Pact: A Growing Movement
It turns out, we’re not alone in this battle.
More and more parents—including some high-profile names—are taking a stand against early smartphone use. There’s now a growing movement advocating for no smartphones before Year 9 (around age 14).
Celebrities like Benedict Cumberbatch and Paloma Faith have signed a pledge to keep their kids smartphone-free for as long as possible. The movement has already gathered 100,000+ parents, all recognizing that delaying smartphone access gives children a better chance of developing healthy tech habits and real-world social skills before they get sucked into 24/7 digital life.
It makes sense.
The psychologist Serge Tisseron proposed the “3-6-9-12” rule: no screen time before age 3, no gaming consoles before age 6, no internet before age 9, and no social media before age 12. Why? Because kids need time to develop real-world coping skills before they’re exposed to a digital world designed to exploit their attention.
The fact that this movement even needs to exist says a lot. Think about it: a decade ago, would this even have been a debate? A decade ago, no one would have thought twice about an 11-year-old not having a smartphone. Now? We’re seen as overprotective just for delaying it.
Check out the further reading section at the end for other articles discussing this issue.
What We’re Doing Instead
We’ve made it clear to Alice that what happened last week wasn’t acceptable. She now knows:
We are monitoring her use of technology.
If she tries to find workarounds again, she won’t be allowed to take her laptop upstairs.
We’re not banning tech, but we’re setting boundaries.
We’re also making conversations about online safety a regular thing—not just a one-time lecture. The goal isn’t just to restrict her, but to help her understand why we’re doing this.
A Call to Parents: Look Closer
If you’re reading this, I urge you to take a step back and ask: Do you really know what your child is doing online?
That school laptop you assume is just for homework? It might be the device they use to watch TikTok in bed at midnight.
That “innocent” group chat? It might be where they’re being pressured to send photos or join other platforms.
WhatsApp is Social Media - check to see if your child has disappearing messages and locked messages turned on
That smartphone you gave them to “stay in touch”? It might be rewiring their brain for addiction.
We’re not perfect parents, and we’re still figuring this out. But here’s the question every parent needs to ask: Are you paying close enough attention? Have you checked what your child is really doing online? Because if we don’t take control, tech companies—and peer pressure—will do it for us. But choosing to pay attention is better than looking away.
It’s not about being strict—it’s about being sensible in a world that isn’t.
Further Reading….
Psyop, Until Proven Otherwise by
- the very real world of Psychological Operations that you are exposed to every day. - Keeping them as safe as necessary, not as safe as possible.
It might be better to disallow both phone and laptop (even if school laptop) in a child's bedroom - it is unfair to expect an 11 year old to resist social media temptation, especially as the tech guys have deliberately designed them to be addictive... parents need to act as parents and not as their children's best friend... also, I think it is common sense to know the 'rules of the house' before allowing a child sleepover in somebody else's home...
Set an example.
Buy a dumb phone.
Read books.